OLD ARTICLES FROM OUR NEWSLETTERS
By Mike Rink
If you are like most people, you spend way too much time driving here and there, and you are hampered by too many people who do not take their driving very seriously. Studies have shown that slow drivers actually pose the greatest risk to other drivers. To that end, I've put together a little test to see if you are one of the people who is causing unnecessary problems for other drivers. Enjoy!
You Might Be Driving Too Slow If
You can hardly hear the person who called your cell phone because of the sound of people behind you honking their horns.
All you could see in your rear-view mirror (if you ever actually used it) would be the grill of the vehicle behind you.
At night, headlights from the cars behind you light up your vehicle as if you were the lead character in a Broadway play.
You frequently tap your brakes to warn other drivers that they are following too closely. Never mind that upcoming passing lane!
Drivers who are lucky enough to pass you wave a single finger in your direction that does not mean they think you are #1.
There are so many cars following close behind you that onlookers mistake you for the lead vehicle in a funeral procession. Or,
While driving along, you are passed by a funeral procession.
You pack extra clothes and food for the 20 mile drive to wherever.
Your front windshield and grill are very clean. They never have bugs on them. The ones you have hit all survived the impact!
You were upset to learn that on the interstate there is a minimum speed limit and cars can legally pass you in the right-hand lane.
"Car Chaser" magazine for dogs has rated you "no competition".
An old man in out-of-style shorts, black socks, and Converse "Chuck Taylor" tennis shoes runs past you on the road.
Your last traffic ticket was not classified as a "moving violation".
Your car is stuck in second gear, and you've never noticed.
Your original set of brake pads is still in great shape even though you've driven your vehicle well over 280,000 miles.
You think going faster than your favorite farm tractor is "reckless".
My Lousy Yard
By: J. Mike Honeycutt
This Spring when it was time to drag out the lawn mower and begin the mowing season, I started thinking Boy I should have fertilized, aerated and reseeded last Fall and followed up this Spring. Oh well, it's all green anyway. But, these wild onions sure do stink as I mow. It really seems a shame to cut down all these clover blooms. I even showed my grandaughter what fun it was to "blow the little dandelions", and watch them float on the Spring breeze.
There's always a "Show Off" in the neighborhood with a beautiful immaculate lawn. There's two or three of these types in my neighborhood. They haven't had a weed in five years. They've never had a bare spot and they keep everything looking as if the garden club judges are going to arrive at any time. They seem to walk around their yard with their chest puffed out gloating over their superior "greenness". If they happen to be outside when I drive by their house, they watch to see if I give their domain a long envious stare. On the other hand, when they drive by my house they almost seem to be looking at my yard in disbelief. I bet the're thinking "How many bare spots can one lawn have?" or maybe "Honeycutt doesn't need a mower. All he needs is a broom."
I tried sneaking out and mowing so they wouldn't see me. But, the large cloud of red dust always gave me away! After years of shame and embarrassment I tried counseling. I was diagnosed with severe "Yard Envy". I joined a support group of other guys who were suffering with the same condition. Some times it seemed as though I was going to beat this affliction. But then once again I'd find myself right back where I started; "green with envy"!
Then one day something came to me and I've been better ever since; Those guys don't shag! So, they have every weekend to work in the yard! So here's my consolation.
1. They didn't get to go to Fall SOS
2. They missed mid-winter
3. They were not at the last club party, bus trip, or other event.
Ha, ha, ha! While I was dancing at the back of the O.D. Pavillion enjoying the sea breeze, drinking a cold one, what was the lawn ranger doing? How many parties will he miss to be with his lawn?
If you do happen to see a hardcore shagger with a beautiful lawn one of two things is true: They're retired (and have all day, every day to do as they please) or they hire it done!
Making A Memory
By J. Mike Honeycutt
An old shaggin friend of mine once said "Sometimes you just gotta make a memory" and most of us have done this at one time or the other. It can be at a party, on the way to the party, or on your way home after the party. It can also be a good memory or one you don't like to be reminded of. It's even possible to make a memory you don't remember the following morning. But don't worry, those in your group will bring the memory to your attention at the first opportunity they get. If it's a really special memory, it will haunt you for years. This was a one of a kind memory for me: On our way to shag at the Holiday Inn on Friday nights we used to pass a little bar on Hwy. 150 called "Rockin N Racin". Good name, huh? There was always a lot of "Harley Hogs" in the parking lot. Easy, all you guys that have one. Im not saying that as a bad thing. Im simply describing the place.
At one end of the parking lot was a converted school bus painted black with a very large number 3 on the side, and a large Rebel flag attached to it. You'll see hundreds of them in the infield at any NASCAR race.
Almost every time we passed this place on our way home, Margaret and Debbie would say "Let's Stop". I thought to myself "Fat Chance" and continued on home. But, one night I said "OK let's stop". So we did.
It was really nice on the inside, not like I had imagined. We got a beer and sat down at the bar. It was packed and everybody was having a good time. They had a wonderful wooden dance floor, and the people were very friendly.
Two guys at the bar beside of me were looking at a large book. Suddenly I noticed it was a list of karaoke songs. Hmmm "Let me see that after ya'll finish", I said. A little later one of the guys looked at me and replied "Here you go bub". I started looking through the list as Margaret said "Youre not gonna do what I think youre gonna do, are you"? My answer was "Maybe". All the usual songs were in there, good country songs like "Family Tradition" by Hank Jr., "Gimme Three Steps", etc. And then, there it was; the perfect song "Trashy Women". Ok, that's it, I said. I'm gonna sing this one. Margaret rolled her eyes and said "Whatever, big boy".
In about 15 minutes, the DJ announced "next is "J-Dot" sanging Trashy Women". As I got in front of the monitor the DJ said "You Ready"? I replied "Yep". Well it must have been a number one song that night because 10 to 15 girls came down in front of the stage and started dancing and hoopin it up. They really encouraged "Paw Paw" to let it rip, and I did. A few of these ladies could have been described in the lyrics of this song if Jerry Jeff Walker had seen them before he wrote this classic. The dress attire for these dancers was short shorts, cowboy boots and those tight little shirts that tie with strings in the back. And there was a lot of cellulite oozing through the tie strings.
Well, I didn't need the monitor, I knew the words by heart. So I picked up the mike and walked around on the stage singing "I like my women a little on the trashy side". The crowd made a lot of noise cheering, whistling and yelling. They thought one of two things; either I was alright or "look at that old fool". Shortly after that Margaret wasn't feeling well and we had to leave.
A couple of months later we passed by and there was "Crime Scene" tape around the parking lot, and not a sign of life. I though to myself what would I have done for an encore if we'd have hung around a little longer?. How about "Hot Legs"?
A Beginner's Guide To S.O.S.
By J. Mike Honeycutt
At the last Twister's Shag Club meeting, we had a discussion about our great newsletter. One of the newer members said "I'd like to see an article on SOS since we've never been". So, never being one to take myself too seriously, I couldn't wait to pen my thoughts.
The novice can never really prepare for what he will experience at SOS. But, with this "Training Guide" he will survive. This plan will work best if started at least four weeks before SOS, and if it is followed verbatim.
1. A high output sound system with a minimum of 2 large speakers.
2. A small uneven table (Folded napkins used for leveling are optional.)
3. A Port-A-John (Do not label "Men" or "Women")
4. Several dirty, stinky ashtrays
5. A small room with a 2 ft. x 4 ft. dance floor
6. A small bar placed against the wall, surrounded on all sides, with bar stools.
1. Place the speakers in opposite corners of the room. Remember, when you are "Training" the music must be really loud.
2. If the room holds 10 people, you'll need at least 25 friends, at least 25% of which are chain smokers. At least one should smoke a cigar that fumes like a diesel engine.
3. Count your bar stools and then get twice that many people to "mob the bar". The larger these folks are, the better.
4. Recruit one bartender; possibly one that is very slow or hearing impaired.
5. Have cold beer. But, also serve a few luke warm ones.
6. Instruct the bartender to randomly substitute soda for tonic when mixing drinks. Coke instead of Sprite works well, also.
7. Find a few drunks who "haven't got a clue" about shagging to "troll the room for babes". If they still have on their golf clothes from a day on the course, so much the better.
8. Obtain two couples who know, and can do, 1482 mirror steps preferably ones with wide sweeping kicks, and big arm swings.
Now we're ready to begin: First put on some really good dancing shoes and walk around on hard pavement for about 1/2 hour. While you're doing this, have your friends crowd into the room and start partying like it's their last party. Crank up the shag music until it is audible from about a block away.
Even though you will want to get in with them and party, don't! Remember, you are in training. Walk around some more until your feet begin to hurt. Then, as you approach the door, look at your spouse and say "Honey have you got our SOS cards?" Of course, the appropriate reply is "No, I though YOU had them". Have a loud discussion about who's fault it is. Then both of you walk around outside for about 15 more minutes. This will simulate going back to room to get the SOS cards. (For the purposes of training, we will not simulate having to drive all the way back to the house, or having to purchase two more cards at the beach.)
By this time, the party is ready for your next Training exercise. As you try to make your way to the bar, have several people tell you about all of the fun that you've already missed. Practice saying the phrases "When did ya'll get here?" and "When are you going back?" You'll need to repeat these phrases many times. Perfecting them will make you sound like an old pro.
Try to get in front of a speaker to carry on any conversations. This gets your vocal chords ready for the real event. Next, get a crowd together and have someone tell about the killer party you recently missed. Now, it is time for the "drop a drink" drill. Practice dropping it close to your feet, and absolutely soaking yourself (or someone standing close) from the knees down. As you jump back from the dropped drink, be sure to back into a lighted cigarette and burn a hole into your brand new pants or dress.
When your favorite song comes on, it's time to dance. First, set your beer on the table; the uneven one with 200 beers at various levels of consumption already sitting there. Then, take your partner's hand and try to get to the floor. Be sure the two couples you got for their mirror step ability are on the floor at this time. Squeeze onto the floor and start dancing. Have one of the guys with the real heavy weejuns kick you on the ankle. Continue this for about 4-5 hours. Repeat this important exercise at least 2-3 times every week.
The SOS event can't really be explained. You just have to experience it. If you've been, you know what I'm talking about. But, with all this advanced "training", you will survive SOS
You meet the best people in the world at SOS I've poked a lot of fun at many things in this article. But, for us hard-core shaggers, there's no place we had rather be. I haven't missed a one in the last 11 years. Join us at the next one.
Is it time for the next SOS yet?
Please, Repeat After Me
(A Pledge For Internet And E-mail Users)
I will NOT avoid bad luck, the loss of friends or my mailing lists by forwarding an E-mail note
I will NOT hear any music or see a Taco Bell dog if I forward an E-mail note. I will never see a pop-up window, either. NEVER!
I will NOT get a Victoria's Secret gift certificate and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount I forward an E-mail to 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an E-mail to 10 people.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. There is no such thing as an E-mail tracking program. And, I am not stupid enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an E-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NOT a kid with cancer in England collecting anything; post cards, E-mail messages, etc.
The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every E-mail we send.
There will NOT be a cool dancing figure, singing or flower waving characters, or some great program that I will receive immediately after I forward an E-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every E-mail address I send an E-mail note.
And finally, I will NOT let others use guilt to get me to send things by telling me I am not their friend, or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ if I don't. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Politics Of Clubs And Organizations
By J. Mike Honeycutt
We've all been involved in some endeavor to advance, preserve or promote an idea, belief or even a religion. We join a group with vim & vigor ready to really get involved. Maybe the organization is just getting started, or maybe it's been around a long time.
For new members coming onto the organization there's a "Honeymoon Period" kinda like real politics. Everyone involved is getting to know each other, and 99% still have the best interest of the organization "as they see it" at heart.
As time goes by the organization has to conduct some kind of business, maybe elect some officers, appoint committees, ask for volunteers and or have some events. The organization now needs ideas from its members. It is about this time division lines start forming. This is not all bad. After all, the organization needs different points of view. The strength and success of this endeavor will come from the blending of good ideas. That's a key phrase because my "good ideas" are all good and yours are completely stupid and ridiculous.
As different opinions form, each point of view rallies to gain support so it can "steam roll" the other. The debates all usually have one thing in common. Whatever the debate is over is really insignificant when compared to the true purpose of the effort or the organization as a whole. For example, a certain Church was redecorating the Sanctuary. When it came time to pick the carpet color, division lines were drawn. One side wanted red carpet while the other side wanted beige.
So after much discussion and debate, a vote was held. The red won and what a victory. The side that voted for red felt that "we really showed them!" Soon after the Church split and some old friendships were never the same. Both sides still wanted the same thing. They still believed in the same doctrine. But, some of these folks just couldn't get over the fact that things didn't go their way.
So, here's my point; No group is perfect, nor do they all think alike. Thank goodness! If they did, it would be a disaster. The best organizations thrive because of many different ideas and points of view. We need an ego. We'd be worthless without it. But, we also have to ask ourselves if our ego is a problem when it comes to working on a project with others. Sometimes it's hard to see the other person's point of view even if they have the best idea.
It's so easy to get caught up in some minor detail and lose sight of the goal. Sometimes "It's not rocket science." "It's not about solving world hunger." "It's not balancing the federal budget." It's about "dancin', drinkin' and havin' a good time with your buddies".
By Glenda James
Male or female. Age does not matter (it is only a number). This applies to singles and couples. So, pay attention.
"To Be, Or Not To Be"
- "To be" forward and ask that guy or gal to dance. Or
- "Not to be" forward and just stand there wearing this outfit that cost me half of my week's salary, and shoes that cost me well, let's don't go there. By credit card is still smoking!
- "To be" out with all your friends, dancing and socializing at one of your favorite shag club's (TSC's) events, beach nights, or shag lesson nights, or helping with a committee. Or
- "Not to be" with anyone. Alone at home, eating, watching TV reruns and missing out on all the fun.
- "To be" an active member of the greatest shag club in the entire Association (Twister's Shag Club, of course).
- Or ???
Read the "To be" statements very carefully. Being forward and participating in club activities will be very rewarding.
We all work hard in our busy world today and deserve a break from the workplace. So, come out. Get up off that sofa. Turn off the TV and let's all be forward and have some fun.
Catch the "fever"; the Fun Bunch fever. After all, Twister's Shag Club is known as the "Fun Bunch". We earned it by living up to it. With ten very successful Cyclone parties, two A.C.S.C. Workshop parties, tea parties, parade floats, and many other great events and activities, our club is known to do the best we can and to have fun.
You need to enjoy yourself, and be with friends. Get more involved in the club. It will change your life in a GOOD way!
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